johnivey STORY (PART TWO)
WRITER'S NOTE: Many of you have written me about the first 'johnivey story'. I am happy to say no one had a negative comment. I have even had several requests for more. By way of explanation I share this part of my life with you, not for pity or judgment but rather for information. It is my hope this information helps at least one of you to look a little deeper the next time you have an opportunity to help a child or a young person. They too may be harboring secrets or past memories that are too painful to share.
I will start this story where the last one left off. Everything stated in these stories are true. I am changing some of the names. I am doing this because I don't think it would serve any purpose to reveal their true identities.
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Thomas, the elder, was married and had one daughter named Diane. Diane's birthday was on the same day as mine, however she was older than me. At 8 years old, I could not understand how we could be born on the same date and not be the same age. I am only pointing out that my 'CHILD MIND' could not comprehend many things and was not equipped to deal with the emotions I found myself facing. An 8 year old is not a miniature adult. While I am certain this is obvious to most of you, I wish I could have understood it before I had children of my own. Not knowing that one simple fact, would be the source of many mistakes, poor decisions, and bad behaviors on my part for many years to come. These decisions, actions and behaviors would also be something that would haunt me for the rest of my life..
A few days after my dad left that night he got his own apartment and I did not see him for a couple of weeks. I remember quite well the day I saw him for the first time after that terrible night. One morning my mom had taken me to Sears and I talked her into buying me a sweater. That night we went over to the Elder's house. I am not certain exactly what the purpose of this visit was, but I do remember exactly what happened.
My mom, my dad, Thomas the elder, and his wife were sitting at the kitchen table. They were having a very loud discussion. My brother, Diane and I were sitting in the living room. After some time had passed, Thomas called for Diane to come into the kitchen. My brother got up and went with her. I followed. However as we entered the kitchen, I was instructed to go back into the living room and wait. I was told they would talk to me AFTER they talked to my brother and Diane. This left me alone in the living room. I remember wondering what was going to happen. I knew from the sounds coming from the kitchen that it was not good. As I waited for what seemed to be an eternity I got hot so I took off my new sweater.
Finally my dad called for me to come in there with the rest of them. As I slowly walked down that hall, I could see my brother and Diane were both crying. I walked in the kitchen and was immediately told that Thomas had been "dating" my mom. I wasn't certain what that meant, but I knew everyone was extremely upset.
My dad then looked straight at me and asked, "John, how do you feel about that?"
At this point, I was really confused. I really did not know what to say. Finally, I remembered something I had heard in one of my many visits to church or perhaps it was something I had learned at Harding in Chapel or Bible class. I looked at Thomas and said, "I do not hate you, but I hate what you have done." That was an answer that would make everyone at the table cry.
Then I laid my new sweater on the table and I said, "I am not certain which one of you is NOW MY MOTHER, but please take this sweater back because I do not want it anymore."
My mom screamed at me, "I AM YOUR MOTHER and I ALWAYS WILL BE your mother!"
I will never forget the malice she had in her voice. There was an anger coming from deep inside her when she said those words. I didn't know what I had done wrong, but being a child, I thought certainly it must be my fault for saying the wrong thing.
I really did not know exactly what was going on. I do remember I ended up leaving that night with my mom and my brother.
A couple of more weeks passed before I saw my dad again. This time he came by our house and picked me up. I went to his new apartment to spend the night. My brother asked me why I was going. I told him I wanted to see my dad. My brother then stated he would never go over there.................. He never did.
When my dad and I arrived at his apartment, I was informed my dad had a new girlfriend named Beverly. That night there was also another man there and he had a girlfriend too. They were laughing and talking and I remember seeing beer cans on the table and in the trash. I was sent into the other room to watch TV. Later my dad hollered at me to come back in the kitchen. I don't recall how long I was in the room with them, but I do know it was not very long. Mostly I just watched them smoking and drinking beer and laughing. Every once in a while Beverly would ask me a question, like "Do you have a girlfriend" or "How do you like school. I got the feeling she did not really care about the answers to these questions. I got the impression she was just trying to be nice. Then suddenly my dad said, "John, it's your bedtime. You have to go to school tomorrow." I went in the bedroom to go to sleep. I was scared to death. I had never seen anyone drinking beer except in Westerns on television and almost all of them ended with someone getting killed.
I have often wondered if that was all that happened that night. I never spent the night at my dad's place again. I have no reason to believe I was molested or that anything inappropriate took place that night.(that is of course if you do not consider my dad drinking beer with his girlfriend in front of me inappropriate) I just sometimes wonder why I have made some of the bad decisions I have made in my life. I guess sometimes bad decisions are just that,.... BAD decisions. I have done so many wrong things in my life, I guess sometimes I just wish I could find one event to blame it all on.
I have spent a lifetime lashing out and screaming at people. A lifetime of trying to get even with those that have done what I preceived something wrong to me. I will share many of those stories and events with you in the pages that follow. That is if you haven't stopped reading this by the time I get to those thoughts. In the meantime you make come to the conclusion that these words are 'simple thoughts from an unimportant person with nothing to say or at least nothing to say that is relevant to your life. It is my belief that we pass people every day with similiar backgrounds to mine. I believe we trust these people with our children's education and even with our own lives as we pass them in the 'HALLS OF LIFE' as we passed our friends in the 'halls of our school'. I will explain this in detail later.
Not long after all of this happened I started bed wetting at night. It was not every night but it was about 4 nights a week This really seemed to anger my mom. I remember she would tell me I only did it because "I was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom." She actually said she knew I would just lie there and wet the bed because I did not want to get up. She told me repeatedly I was low down sorry and lazy. I would cry each time she said that! I would plead with her to believe me, I was not doing it on purpose.
I tried to explain to her that I did not know why I was wetting the bed, but it was not because I was too lazy to get up. Looking back now it was if my mom got some sort of perverse pleasure in telling me that I was lazy. After I became an adult, I realized she was attacking me because I had always been my dad's favorite son. I think perhaps she thought I was taking his side since I did not come over to the bed that night and try to console her as my brother had done or perhaps it was because I had gone over to his apartment and met my dad's girlfriend. I think somehow in her mind she was getting even with him.
No matter how much I pleaded or how much I cried, she would always shake her head and exclaim "You're just lazy and low down sorry. You only do this so I will have to wash the sheets everyday!"
Sometimes she would not wash them. She would just hang them outside on the clothes line so they could as she called it "Air Out". By hanging the sheets on the clothes line they would dry and smell better, but you could definitely see a big circle where the pee had left a stain. She said she hoped the neighbors would see the sheets and then all my friends would know I wet the bed like a little baby.
Years later I saw a television show about Michael Landon's life. You might remember him as the dad on the television series 'Little House On The Prairie" or perhaps you might recall he played Little Joe on "Bonanza". The show I was watching indicated that during his childhood his mom did something similar with his sheets. When I saw that on television, although I was in my 30's I had tears running down my face. I just quietly got up and went into the restroom so no one would know I was crying.
For a while it was just my mom, my brother and me at the house. A lot of times when my friends had to go in at night after playing outside all day. I would come home to an empty house. My brother would be at one of his friend's house and my mom would be gone. I never knew where she was, but looking back now I'm sure she was with Thomas somewhere.
I was always afraid to go into the house at night alone. I was afraid someone might be in there just waiting for me. I was pretty certain if they caught me they were going to cut me up into little pieces. I was also afraid of sitting outside by myself. My mom had told me this horrible story about a dog with rabies. I will share that story later.
So to avoid being bitten by any rabid dogs, I would climb the tree that was in the front yard and wait for my mom or my brother to come home. From that tree I could see into many of my neighbor's homes and front yards. I would watch as different neighbors would come outside to let their dog out. Or perhaps step outside to smoke. Or any number of other nocturnal activities that neighbors do. It seemed to me there was always someone coming out of one of the houses to do something. That is up until about 9:30 or 10:00. It seemed there was some internal clock that each neighbor possessed that told them it was now too late to go outside anymore that night. It was also about that time I would notice how the neighborhood would shut down one light at a time. I used to try to guess which light would go out next or if I saw the television flicking I would try to guess what they might be watching. I guess when you are 8 years old you can pretty well make up any number of games, especially when you are alone.
I remember one night my next door neighbors came home early in the evening. I watched as the whole family got out of the car and walked to their front door I could hear them laughing and talking. They came out several times to get the grocery bags out of the car I was afraid they would look up in that tree and see me. I did not know what an 8 year old boy could say that would be a good explanation.
I could see clearly into the living room of the house right next door. I remember several nights watching them as they sat watching TV as a family. I remember the mother would bring in bowls of ice cream for all of them to eat as they enjoyed this family time together. I remember thinking how happy they all looked. I would wonder why couldn't I just live with them.
My mom would usually get home around 11:00. When I would see her pull in the driveway, I would always scurry down the tree so I could beat her to the front porch. That way it would look as if I had just walked out of the house to meet her. One night in my haste to get out of the tree I slipped and fell hard to the ground. I hit a limb on the way down and it left a big scratch on my back that looked like the letter 'J' My mom spotted me!! She didn't even ask if I was OK. She asked what I was doing up in that tree. I explained to her I was afraid to go in the house because no one was home. I also told her I was afraid to be outside on the ground because a dog might bite me. I told her I climbed the tree for safety She laughed and said I was stupid for thinking that. Then she got angry and asked me what I was going to say if the neighbors saw me. I told her I did not know what I would say.
After that night, she was usually home around 6:30 or so. That was about the time all of my friends had to go in their houses. It seemed she was always talking in a quiet, whispering voice on the phone when I would come in. Sometimes when she would hang up the telephone and announce she was going to 'let me' go to the movies. I never knew when this was going to happen. It was always at the last minute. I never had time to ask anyone to go with me, so I always went alone. Looking back now, I'm certain on school night's no one else would have been allowed to go. Years later I would realize it was almost certain this sudden decision to let me go to the movie coincided probably with finding out that Thomas could sneak off for a couple of hours.
I really do not know how many movies I saw by myself, but I do know it was dozens. Years later I would see a movie on TV and recall I had seen that one at the theater by myself. That's when I really realized that she was not letting me go to the movies, but rather was getting me out of sight from the neighbors, so she could still go out and do whatever it was she was doing.
I cannot explain it. But I can tell you I actually felt safe at the movies. At least there were no rabid dogs, or homicidal killers waiting in my closet, or neighbors that might see me and ask me why I was up in a tree at 10:30 pm. The movie was a total escape from the situation in which I was living.
To this day, I still often enjoy going to the movies by myself. I find a certain peace there.
Nearly 40 years later I was diagnosed with cml, a form of leukemia. For 2 years I had extreme side effects from the treatments I received. I did a lot of visualization to help control the unbearable pain that I would have each night. One of my visualizations was to climb up that tree where I had found refuge so many years before. This time however, I would take one of my school mates with me. I guess at one time or another just about everyone I graduated with has been up in that tree with me.
We would laugh and talk about all the great times we had at in high school at Harding. It really was nice to have a place to go to escape the pain and 'feel safe' and to visit with such good friends.
To those classmates that helped me make it through such tough time ................. THANKS .....................And you thought you had not climbed a tree in years..........
more later johnivey