ORIGINAL SAYINGS AND JOKES BY: johnivey
Your heart can hold a GRUDGE ....... OR ...... Your
heart can hold FORGIVENESS ....... The Choice is yours ..........Choose wisely and your
life will be full of hope and kindness. Choose foolishly and your life will be full
of anger and bitterness. - johnivey 2011
School was always a social event for me. The
education was just the price I had to pay to have access to my friends. -
johnivey 2010
Money spent on stirring memories in one's soul is
always a WISE INVESTMENT. - johnivey 2010
Show me a woman who doesn't believe in love at first
sight AND
I will show you a woman who has never given birth! -
johnivey 2005
As a child I shed tears when I hurt
physically.
As a teenager I shed tears when I hurt emotionally.
As an adult I find myself shedding tears for happiness. -
johnivey 2002
When I was younger, my memory was like watching a
"Movie on Demand",
now its more like I have to channel surf until I run across
it. - johnivey 2010
You are not killing time. Time is killing
you! - johnivey 1996
As I get older my eyesight becomes worse, however
my vision improves! - johnivey 2002
I HAVE REACHED AN AGE THAT I REALIZE I MAY EXPIRE BEFORE MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE DOES! - johnivey 2001
One's Potential is stymied by ATTITUDE more often
than ABILITY ! - johnivey 2010
I am just another old man sitting in the shade on the
front porch of life
trying to share some original thoughts that will camouflage a
misspent youth. - johnivey 2010
WHEN I LEAVE I AM CERTAIN I WILL MISS THIS WORLD MORE
THAN IT WILL MISS ME! - johnivey 1999
THE STANDARD BY WHICH YOU JUDGE OTHERS, WILL
ULTIMATELY BE THE STANDARD BY WHICH YOU ARE JUDGED. - johnivey '98
IF YOU SOW TOO MANY WILD OATS WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG YOU
WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND WHEN YOU GET OLDER. - johnivey'68
WHEN I ORDER AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE. I TELL THE PERSON
TO GIVE ME A "FEMALE CHOCOLATE SUNDAE, PLEASE!" THEY USUALLY ASK WHAT DO YOU MEAN
FEMALE? I SAY WITHOUT NUTS!(you could make your a MALE CHOCOLATE SUNDAE IF YOU
PREFER) - johnivey 1983
A lot of times when people are talking about their
names, they will say My name is (example) Judy Johnson "I was name after Judy Garland."
They always seem very proud of having been named after someone who is famous or has
accomplished some great thing.
I usually respond, "My name is JOHN DWIGHT IVEY and I was named after Abramham
Lincoln."
They then look perplexed and say I did not know Abramham Lincoln's middle name was
Dwight. I say " It wasn't"
Then they say, "Well, I thought you said you were named after Abramham Lincoln.
How can that be?"
I then smile and say I was named AFTER Abramham Lincoln because "HE WAS BORN
FIRST" " I HAD TO BE NAMED AFTER HE WAS NAMED!"
It usually brings a smile(with a moan) - johnivey 1980
I have often heard people say, "Don't mention it, it
is the least I can do!
It seems I usually hear this when someone has assisted someone who was in need of
help.
It also seems as though the person is really bragging when they say, "Don't mention it
it was the least I could do!"
My question has always been why would someone brag about "DOING THE LEAST THEY COULD
DO"? - johnivey 1984
Russell Crowe is "GLADIATOR' .....
....AND SHE IS TOO... - johnivey 2000
I not only believe in reincarnation, I have proof!
I know it took my ex-wife at least 3 life-times to get so STUPID. -
johnivey 1987
A COUPLE OF PUT DOWNS!
(YOU SAY):"That reminds me AT&T called and
said you had been approved for that number you ordered."
(THEN YOU WAIT): until He/She asked, "What number?"
(THEN YOU REPLY): "1-800-YOU'RE CHEAP"....(1-800-YOU'RE A DORK,
or anything else you what to insert) - johnivey 2004
(YOU SAY):"If I ever have a chance to
time travel,
I am going to go back to 10 minutes before I met YOU."
(PAUSE AND THEN YOU FINISH):"Then I am going to turn LEFT instead of
RIGHT." - johnivey 2004
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